These were taken in June 2009.  Absolutely incredible.  I really need to bust out my camera more…

..the good the bad.  The pride, and accompanying falls.  The insecurity and sense of inadequacy, and God the whining.  And the whole nasal thing.  God, I get on my own nerves.

And I know You don’t see that.  Well, I mean You see it because You see everything..  You know what I mean..

Oh, and Critter says “hi”, and he loves You..

And he will love his wife, like You love the church.. 

The Body..

O.K..  So I don’t care for the whole feeling like my part is the acne of the body.

I mean, I know it’s beneficially and cathartic..  Get it out.

And the pain makes us aware of a deficiency.

So ..  Deficiency.

In Our relationship.

You see empty places to be filled.

And we stuff them, instead, with false comforts.  So..  Take that.  The desires for false comforts.  My medicines?  Help me.  I don’t even want to look in that direction.  God, You know I’ve felt so much better..  And hyper self-aware.  Able to FOCUS.  Get shit done.  But my blood-pressure is ungodly.  Yep.  Un-You.  Trigger-HAPPY temper.  Which can be fun, and entertaining.  As my co-worker claims, “I’m just sayin’ what everybody else is thinking.”  God, I love her.

All of them.  You took me out of a TERRIBLE job.  With a man that I thought I could save by just walkin’ the Walk..  Do what needs to be done.  Do right.  But he was so twisted.  Dishonest.  Chauvanistic?  OMG, don’t get me started.  And prejudiced.  And it broke my heart for Alicia, when Obama was running and won.  He just straight up told her, “You know, the only reason most of the .. what did he call them?  ..the minorities?  I don’t know..  Some politically correct, but still degrading crap.. But essentially, the black folk were voting for Obama because he’s black.

God, that’s awful.  I was growing to HATE him, and I know You saw that.  I don’t hate him.  I don’t understand how he is still, to this DAY..  God, You know.

And thank You.

And now I work with the most amazing, inspiring, intelligent, loyal..  I could just go .. on and on and on and..  I LOVE them.  We’ve partied.  We banter ALL day.  Burn after burn.  Throwin’ eachother under the bus, lol.

Thank You, Lord.  I couldn’t ever..  Ever repay..  ANY of the blessings.  The blessings I’m not even aware of..

But You do let me fall on my face.

*sigh..

Work that muscle.  The patience muscle.  Many, plentiful, bountiful, overabundances of opportunities to work that frickin’ patience muscle.

BLACCHHH!!!

These tests SUCK.

I know.  You know.

Thank You.

I love You. 

I do. 

And I’m sorry I’ve been a towel.

Amen.

Lord, please guide me.  And this conversation with You.

I know I’ve been an incredibly self-righteous towel.  A soggy towel that’s in dire need of a washing machine.

And to be cooled in the pure breeze of Your Spirit.

I have rocky areas.  And thorny areas.  And I’m pretty sure I’m on the wrong path.  But I can still see Your path.  So that’s good.

*sigh..

“Do you bring a lamp and put it under a bowl?
For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.”

…She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had (for blonde hair, and psychotropic medication..  for her and her daughter..  the whole generational curse thing) and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.

I KNOW this one..  I know I just need to reach out.

“..the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the Word.”

I know.  I don’t WANT anything, except for my children to be happy.  Healthy.  Not having to deal with losing their brother, split custody with his dad,  her dad in jail indeterminately..  My husband, though.  Lord, I know You see..  That worldliness.  Like he’s starving for more, always.  A bottomless pit.  And he leans on me.  And I’m not You.  And I can barely hold myself up.  God, You KNOW.

“Don’t you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him ‘unclean’?  For it doesn’t go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body.  What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean’.  ..out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly.”

she came and fell at His feet.  She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.
“First let the children eat all they want,” He told her, ” for it is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.”

*AheM!!  Clears throat.  Would be cutting eyes at husband if he were reading over her shoulder..*

“Yes, Lord, ” she replied, “but even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.”

The children are getting crumbs.  The dogs are getting squatt.  We need to get RID of the snakes that should be low maintenance, but God, You know they’re not.  And there are other folks that CAN take care of them, and can AFFORD to take care of them..  And the mice..  And yes, my pretty kitties.  *heaving dramatic sigh*  And the golf..  I mean really.  Not frickin’ cheap.  I could go and go.

And yes, lets bring my inadequacies into the light.  Lazy (falling under arrogance), pissed off (malicious), follyfull (and so easily distractable – ooh!  *ShinY*!), slanderous (also under arrogance), SELFish (inCREDIBLY arrogant).

..and You still died for me.  Sacrificed Your Son.  As You had told us to do.  Give these THINGS, these WORRIES, these temporary puffinthewind CIRCUMSTANCES to You.  Why do You still keep wanting us to give it all?  Even the crap.  You take it and make beauty.  Some really jacked up ashes.  To a poem.  An understanding.

You KNOW.  You took it all.  You’ve already taken it.  It is done.

But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.

“…if anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.

…Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with eachother.

..Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant..  whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.”

But I don’t want to be served.  I just want to ..  well, be lazy.  Last is cool.  I’m so sick of debt.  I am in such incredible debt in so many ways..  And I receive and receive, and gave and gave, and have to keep receiving so that I can give, instead of turning into this stagnant cup that’s sitting full under the dripping faucet, waiting to receive more.  Insight.  I’m ready to be cleaned now.

And I can dig the salt.  Salt cleanses.  And heals.  And God, it hurts, though..

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

AHHHCKKK!  Arrogance!

Selfishness.

Thank You for understanding me.  And not judging me.  Because You’ve already beat the hell out of Your Son for me.  Judged Him for me.  And it’s just really not necessary for me to beat myself.  Or him.

We were not made to live on our own.  To support ourselves.  Nor eachother..  You MADE us to be completed by You.  To be whole with eachother, With You.

So Simply to be Me We..  as You’ve made me Us.  I am content here.  And I thank You.  For being there, even when I cuss You.  You still answer.  You took it.  You take it.  And I give it.  Boy, do I give it.

Thank you, Lord.  For taking me us.

“…Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

We are.  Noodles, that were strong, but so brittle..  and have been steeped in the warm broth of false comfort.  now we’re soft, and even if we wanted to get out, we couldn’t..  many don’t.  The broth is warm..  comfortable.  we don’t see ourselves disintegrating below the surface.  And then we slide in..   Curling comfortably.  Languid.  Soft.  Disintegrating.

God, I know I’m an asshole.  And I know there’s alot I can do to piss You off.  And I know You can handle it, and don’t appreciate it.  But You’re patient.  You’ve instilled in me Your unwavering ability to stand Your ground.  Thank You for that.

So..

How do I ..?  The patience thing?  I mean, I’m afraid to ask, because I know Your favorite answers are given by tests.  And God, I’m so tired.

And this is a fart in the wind.

And I kinda want to just ride this test out.

I know I’ve grown incredibly selfish.

I know You know I’m frustrated.  And that You understand that nasal pitch I obtain..  regularly.

And I thank You for helping me see my faults, so I can ..  I don’t know – move on to new faults..

Dammit I’m tired of these damn shoes.  Miles.  And MILES.  AND MILES.

I am Frickin’ TIRED.

And scared.

And miserable.

And unappreciative.

And I try, and ..

Lord, this isn’t enough.

He’s supposed to be here.

I’m supposed to be there.

Why him and not me?

I don’t fucking GET that.

It was supposed to be me.

He would have done so much better.  So much good.  He had DETERMINATION.

And mine floated away with him.

I don’t have it.

Why am I fighting?

I am so fucking tired.

And You have me here.  I’m here.  I won’t cop out.

Yes, I’m gonna cry.

And throw pity parties.

And do whatever the hell I can to do good, for the frickin’ sake of doing good.  Because it’s needed.  I get that.

Quit living for me.

I did.

But I feel like I’ve died.

I was a mother.

I had that.

I loved it.

And I’m still a mother, to two children that are torn in half.

I have one child left.

And a husband that is withering away.

Because I’m an asshole.

So…  the patience thing..

I miss the days of old..  of young..

Where I would sit in front of the piano and it just came to me..  I’d hear the next piece, see where the next score needed to be.  And it was so beautiful and free.  I would love to walk by and hear someone play like that.  I want to be that odd lady down the street that plays heartbreakingly beautiful piano solos, and goes dancing outside when it’s pourin’ rain, belting out “Feelin’ Good” like Nina Simone is going to come on stage at any second..

I do these things.  But..

So many of the songs I knew/know are within the same cord range.  So when I play freestyle, all of my music is in those cords.  And it can be pretty.  And tinkly.  And deep.  Alot of sad.  But it’s the same.  I WANT to learn these pieces.  But I have to learn these new chords, and how they go together.  And what cords compliment eachother and lead well through transitions.  And I can’t FrickiN’ read sheet music.  I see those notes, and they mean nothing, except it goes down here, up there.  I feel like a child with a fat pencil, determined to write every word in the dictionary.  I want to be able to learn these cords and flow through them..  To pull this string from my heart and unravel it through the keys..

Where you see emptiness.  I see beauty.

One of the next songs I will learn..

~Adele – Someone Like You Piano Solo by thekidmakesbeatz

Why do you need approval from anybody but Me?  I  made you this way.  I love you this way.

I want a relationship with you.  As I’ve made you.

When our relationship has been mended, every relationship will be mended.

I want to cry.

Then cry…