May 25, 2011

• Tuesday, 22 January 2008 (SuddenlyISee)

  Adversity reminds us that life is short, teaches us to live wisely,
  and refines our character.
  We must remember that this life, with all its pain, is not our final destiny.

  We should not demand that God explain everything.

  
  

  ---

  Pain is inevitable – Suffering is optional…

  With the words above I reflect. I wrote these words way before I really knew what it meant to be in pain.. True pain. True suffering.. And suffering is optional. I choose not to suffer. And sometimes this makes me feel like I’m betraying him. My baby. My little boy. And then I do suffer. And it’s horrid. The pain is encompassing. It’s crushing. It’s debilitating.

  But you keep moving. You make yourself get the fuck up. You make yourself go through one more fucking day.

  And oh how close death seems. Wrapped around your neck. You just don’t realize how close you are to death. How you’re just not even going to be here tomorrow. How short life is. How long eternity is. And you don’t get to decide when you go unless you take your own life..

  No.

  You get up. You go on. You face what tomorrow brings and you embrace it. The hurt, the pain, the anxiety, the weight, and then finally.. the release..

  And there is joy in the midst of grief. There is comfort. God is there. He’s right there hurting right along with you… He’s right there crying – catching your tears – grieving because you lost your faith in Him at the most critically inopportune time. Grieving because you had faith in him and lost it when you were crushed under the weight of your own grief.

  God loses His children every single day. He loses them to sin. He loses them to eachother. To molestation.. To addiction. To their own incredibly selfish desires. He loses them because they lose their faith. He loses them because they don’t know Him and have absolutely no desire to know Him.

  And it hurts. To lose your children simply because they don’t believe in you… And even worse to lose the children that do believe in you, but can’t get past their own hang-ups to follow you..

  I find myself doing this alot lately. And perhaps it’s incredibly wrong. To put myself in God’s shoes.. And to be incredibly grateful that I don’t have to ever wear them. I’m glad I’m not God. I don’t presume to believe I could do a better job. Yet we all play God daily. We are made in His image and we all waste our days away trying to create and tear down our own creations… We spend our lives trying to live longer.. live deeper.. live larger.. live better.. Mainly trying to figure out why we’re alive at all..

  Why are we here? Is it for the experience..? If God already knows what’s going to happen from one day to the next – why are we even here? He doesn’t need us to prove Himself right. He already knows the answers.. And we can’t handle these answers.

  But we ask anyway, because that’s what we do.. We live. We question. And we even make up our own answers..

  And then we pass. And still noone really knows.

  Why?

  Because He loves us. And He only wants for us to believe in Him and love Him. Because that is the only way He can protect us.

  My faith has slipped so badly here lately.. And it’s when my faith slips that I lose that covering. I lose my grip.. I wander aimlessly.. And I crash.

  And in the end I still find Him there.. Waiting paitiently as He’s always been. And I find that He loves me just as much when I believe in Him, as He does when I question Him. And when I ask why??

  

  Just because, Aja. Just because.

  • 9:21 pm
  • 4 Comments