April 28, 2011

• Mark 4-8ish

  Lord, please guide me.  And this conversation with You.

  I know I’ve been an incredibly self-righteous towel.  A soggy towel that’s in dire need of a washing machine.

  And to be cooled in the pure breeze of Your Spirit.

  I have rocky areas.  And thorny areas.  And I’m pretty sure I’m on the wrong path.  But I can still see Your path.  So that’s good.

  *sigh..

  “Do you bring a lamp and put it under a bowl?
  For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.”

  …She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had (for blonde hair, and psychotropic medication..  for her and her daughter..  the whole generational curse thing) and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.

  I KNOW this one..  I know I just need to reach out.

  “..the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the Word.”

  I know.  I don’t WANT anything, except for my children to be happy.  Healthy.  Not having to deal with losing their brother, split custody with his dad,  her dad in jail indeterminately..  My husband, though.  Lord, I know You see..  That worldliness.  Like he’s starving for more, always.  A bottomless pit.  And he leans on me.  And I’m not You.  And I can barely hold myself up.  God, You KNOW.

  “Don’t you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him ‘unclean’?  For it doesn’t go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body.  What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean’.  ..out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly.”

  she came and fell at His feet.  She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.
  “First let the children eat all they want,” He told her, ” for it is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.”

  *AheM!!  Clears throat.  Would be cutting eyes at husband if he were reading over her shoulder..*

  “Yes, Lord, ” she replied, “but even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.”

  The children are getting crumbs.  The dogs are getting squatt.  We need to get RID of the snakes that should be low maintenance, but God, You know they’re not.  And there are other folks that CAN take care of them, and can AFFORD to take care of them..  And the mice..  And yes, my pretty kitties.  *heaving dramatic sigh*  And the golf..  I mean really.  Not frickin’ cheap.  I could go and go.

  And yes, lets bring my inadequacies into the light.  Lazy (falling under arrogance), pissed off (malicious), follyfull (and so easily distractable – ooh!  *ShinY*!), slanderous (also under arrogance), SELFish (inCREDIBLY arrogant).

  ..and You still died for me.  Sacrificed Your Son.  As You had told us to do.  Give these THINGS, these WORRIES, these temporary puffinthewind CIRCUMSTANCES to You.  Why do You still keep wanting us to give it all?  Even the crap.  You take it and make beauty.  Some really jacked up ashes.  To a poem.  An understanding.

  You KNOW.  You took it all.  You’ve already taken it.  It is done.

  But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.

  “…if anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.

  …Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with eachother.

  ..Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant..  whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.”

  But I don’t want to be served.  I just want to ..  well, be lazy.  Last is cool.  I’m so sick of debt.  I am in such incredible debt in so many ways..  And I receive and receive, and gave and gave, and have to keep receiving so that I can give, instead of turning into this stagnant cup that’s sitting full under the dripping faucet, waiting to receive more.  Insight.  I’m ready to be cleaned now.

  And I can dig the salt.  Salt cleanses.  And heals.  And God, it hurts, though..

  “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

  AHHHCKKK!  Arrogance!

  Selfishness.

  Thank You for understanding me.  And not judging me.  Because You’ve already beat the hell out of Your Son for me.  Judged Him for me.  And it’s just really not necessary for me to beat myself.  Or him.

  We were not made to live on our own.  To support ourselves.  Nor eachother..  You MADE us to be completed by You.  To be whole with eachother, With You.

  So Simply to be Me We..  as You’ve made me Us.  I am content here.  And I thank You.  For being there, even when I cuss You.  You still answer.  You took it.  You take it.  And I give it.  Boy, do I give it.

  Thank you, Lord.  For taking me us.

  “…Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

  • 12:35 am
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