April 22, 2011

  • Rough Draft(s)

    God, I know I'm an asshole.  And I know there's alot I can do to piss You off.  And I know You can handle it, and don't appreciate it.  But You're patient.  You've instilled in me Your unwavering ability to stand Your ground.  Thank You for that.

    So..

    How do I ..?  The patience thing?  I mean, I'm afraid to ask, because I know Your favorite answers are given by tests.  And God, I'm so tired.

    And this is a fart in the wind.

    And I kinda want to just ride this test out.

    I know I've grown incredibly selfish.

    I know You know I'm frustrated.  And that You understand that nasal pitch I obtain..  regularly.

    And I thank You for helping me see my faults, so I can ..  I don't know - move on to new faults..

    Dammit I'm tired of these damn shoes.  Miles.  And MILES.  AND MILES.

    I am Frickin' TIRED.

    And scared.

    And miserable.

    And unappreciative.

    And I try, and ..

    Lord, this isn't enough.

    He's supposed to be here.

    I'm supposed to be there.

    Why him and not me?

    I don't fucking GET that.

    It was supposed to be me.

    He would have done so much better.  So much good.  He had DETERMINATION.

    And mine floated away with him.

    I don't have it.

    Why am I fighting?

    I am so fucking tired.

    And You have me here.  I'm here.  I won't cop out.

    Yes, I'm gonna cry.

    And throw pity parties.

    And do whatever the hell I can to do good, for the frickin' sake of doing good.  Because it's needed.  I get that.

    Quit living for me.

    I did.

    But I feel like I've died.

    I was a mother.

    I had that.

    I loved it.

    And I'm still a mother, to two children that are torn in half.

    I have one child left.

    And a husband that is withering away.

    Because I'm an asshole.

    So...  the patience thing..

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